It's a rare person who doesn't long for connection with another. In fact, I think we were made to crave deep soul links to others. One of my irl (in real life) friends, Kelly, wrote an amazing and honest post on friendship. So this is my reflection on friendship and what it's means in my life. Thanks Kelly for being the brave one and starting the "conversation" (Oh my gosh, I just used quotations marks, nerd alert!).
I have lived in 9 different cities (so far). And in 3 different states. As a child I was used to being the New Girl. It was a comfortable sweater I loved to wear and flaunt. I relished in the New Girl coolness factor for as long as I could and found cliques of friends with ease. Sure, there were the usual Friends Since Birth Besties that made forging friendships sometimes difficult, but all in all I did okay. As I got older though something started to happen in my heart. I began to truly long for a Best Friend of my own. I needed someone with whom I could be myself and I wanted to share my love for Lisa Frank with another. But oh my gosh it is hard to make besties as you age! (Benji is truly my BFF, but a girl needs other girls, am I right?) But because of some of my past friendships I have been covering my heart with a potato sack. And those are itchy. I have been truly and deeply hurt by others in ways that make it nerve racking for me to open up to other women. And I want to echo what Kelly said and say that one of the ways that the hurt pops up is in my insecurities. And holla to Kelly for feeling insecure about talking too much, because that is totally an insecurity of mine as well! I also feel like maybe I'm a little strange and that might turn others off. I'm sure that comes as such a surprise to you when you read my blog. Me...strange, HA! And while I can work on my potato sack of insecurities, I think there are other ways we can make new waves in friendship.
I think one of the biggest obstacles in cultivating new friendships is when people (not just women, I see this in Benji's life as well) get to a Friend Quota and they sort of feel filled up so they don't make room for others. Ya get what I'm saying? Like, you might not need any more close friends-you might have your bestie and your posse and your Lisa Frank buddy; but there are others out there who just don't. There are women out there who are longing for you to think of them first when you decide to go see a movie or go for coffee or make fun of your husband. They want to be that go-to friend. And dangit! Me too. I want to be that friend for someone. I want someone to call me at 2am because she had a huge fight with her husband and can't sleep. I want someone to text me randomly and without explanation and ask to hang out. I want someone to believe that I will be there when she has an emergency. It's been a long time since I've felt like I had a best girlfriend. And that sort of sucks. There have been a lot of moments where I just wanted to call someone and vent. Or I just wanted to talk. Or meet up. And like Kelly said, it is so intimidating putting yourself out there. So let's remember that not everyone grew up with a Friend Since Birth or a Parents Are BFF Friend or what have you. And next time you are wanting some girl time, instead of inviting that Bestie you always see and always talk to, maybe try branching out and asking yourself if there's someone that could benefit from you making that jump and inviting her . Because even when your Friend Quota is full, I promise you there is someone whose Friend Quota is empty and full of longing, and probably itchy.
I love the way you put this, Em. You can write in a way that I can't, and I love that. Thanks for the shout out, but more importantly, thank you for picking up where I left off. It's so wonderful to have a friend like you who supports me, and through this conversation (that just started yesterday) I already feel a better understanding. I've gotten so many comments/messages about my post, and it made me realize that there are so many people who struggle with this. I love you, Em, and I'm so glad we've re-connected. We've known each other for a long time, and our paths always come back together after time apart. We're just meant to be!
ReplyDeleteEmily, I also loved this post! (and your new blog...it's SO good to hear, erm, read, your thoughts with that special-Emily-voice you have, I've missed it!) I'm so glad you picked up the convo, I feel inspired to do the same. More importantly, though, is how relevant and resonating this post it. I understand completely. I had never really had to be the new girl before, until a year ago and I'm still working my through it, trying to figure out how it works. It's so true that "a best friend" is kind of necessary, being known in that way is so special! Thanks for sharing Emily :]
ReplyDeleteThank you so much to both of you!
ReplyDeleteKelly, I am also so glad we are re-getting to know each other and encouraging our husbands to do the same! I love you!
Kale, my heart goes out to you! Not only because you are living in my home turf: the pacific northwest, but also because I have so been where you are and it is tough to be the New Girl as an adult. So glad that you are being honest and open. Love to you my faraway friend!