Thoughts and Some More Thoughts

So I've been feeling low lately. YES, we have our new (rental) house and it's awesome, but with that awesome-ness comes my wanting desperately for it to be clean and lovely all. of. the. time. And hello, I have a 2 yr old, a 4 yr old, two dogs and a husband who is very busy-not happening! I have managed to wash dishes pretty much off & on all day, which, believe it or not, makes me feel good. It's like now that we have this space that is ours (for now), I want it perfect. And it just can't be. Not only because we have no money after giving it all to the landlords (who are as awesome as the house), but also because perfection is not a realization. Duh. I am starting to come into a routine of keeping things tidy that helps me keep my cool & helps everyone else around not hate me too much.

I also began reading (another) parenting book. I've read (or started) quite a few and I actually really love this one. It's called Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids by Dr. Laura Markham. The subtitle is "how to stop yelling and start connecting". Cheesy? Perhaps. But I love her approach and while I swing back & forth from feeling inspired & motivated, to feeling like a complete failure as a parent, it's been great to read something that seems possible & has research to back it up.

One of the things she really emphasizes is enjoying our kids. Which can be a struggle for me when all I'm trying to do is get them to be. quiet.!! Right. Now!!! But when I really take the time to connect with each one, I do enjoy them more & get to see so much of their unique personalities. The book also talks about how our childhood experiences shape how we react to our children & the situations we find infuriating. Basically, what drives me crazy might not drive you crazy, and that in order to move on from that anger we need to know where it's coming from and realize (and believe!) that our child is not the enemy. And wow, that hits it for me. If you read my conversion story on Bonnie's blog, you know that my childhood was not peachy. I've done a lot of work on myself to deal with the extreme amount of anger I feel at times. (I really started working on it when I got married, because nothing brings out fear through anger like marriage!!) But I think with parenting I felt SO different from my parents (I'm not an alcoholic and I'm not a single mom), that none of that leftover childhood stuff was getting in the way. But it does!! Anyways, I highly recommend it. Even if your childhood was a Disney movie.

Also need to say that people insist that I am hugely pregnant. People will literally say the words, "No? Really? That can't be." to me when I tell them I'm due in July. Or ask me how I can get any bigger. Well, lady, it happens, so stick around for the show!! And I get it: most of these types of comments come from women who have not been pregnant for a long time (or ever), and they mean well. I get that I'm experiencing something so special by being pregnant, but -truth be told-it grates on me. I hate having attention drawn to my body and I don't have many responses when my size is being discussed. What can I even say to, "You are SO big!" "You can't even close your sweater" Do I say 'thank you'? I mean seriously. Ben is the sweetest and he knows how much I dislike it, so if he's with me, he always draws the attention away from me by commenting on his own growing size or saying something to deflect what they've said.

And yes, I will get bigger. Yes, I'm due in July. And actually this sweater doesn't ever close since that's the style & there are no buttons or zippers, but you are correct, it is not closed over my big baby lump, thanks for noticing.